Too Funny

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck who was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu." The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"
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To Make You Laugh

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. - Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! - Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. - Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. - Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. - Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. - Smiley Blanton I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. - John Steinbeck


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